


John, I'm Only Deducing

by CoolestCucumber



Category: Bowielock - Fandom, David Bowie - Fandom, Sherlock (TV), Shrek, Shreklock, Shrelock, johnlock - Fandom
Genre: M/M, Multi, Other, Shreklock - Freeform, shrek is life, shrek is love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-24
Updated: 2015-01-05
Packaged: 2018-02-22 10:39:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2504849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoolestCucumber/pseuds/CoolestCucumber
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ahaha ummm</p><p> </p><p>David is in the middle of watching RBF and suddenly his hubby, Shrek spills his drink on the TV, resulting in a bizarre explosion opening a one-way dimensional door from the world of Sherlock (BBC Series). </p><p>Sherlock cuts the bs and doesn't even care about what's up Moriarty's butt. He gets down from the building, ultimately surprising the heck out of Moriarty because it was sooo unexpected. Ofc John follows his sorry ass. Follows him into an onion-smelling void of god-knows-what. </p><p>*Spoiler Alert*<br/>The void leads to the living room of David & Shrek's house on the Swamp.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have any illnesses or the Ebola.  
> No, I am not on hard drugs.  
> No, I was not dropped as a baby  
> No, I am not Barry Manilow.  
> I am perfectly normal, healthy human being. This just happens to be how I occupy my free time.

David whimpered in his couch.

"No, Sherlock... Don't do this to JAWWNN!"  
David Bowie is residing at home, with his love at the Swamp. He is watching the RBF ep. for his first time and he can't even deal. 

David: *Hyperventilating* 

Suddenly, Shrek breaks the immense tension, "AHHH LAD, CAN YER MAKE ME AN ONION SMOOTHIE?"

David doesn't move, as far as he is concerned, Shrek doesn't even exist anymore because he is so wrapped up in the program. 

"DAAAVVVIIIDDD!!!", Shrek roared furiously. 

David jumped in his seat and paused the show at once, "What is it my Baby-Onion-Bunion? Can't you see I'm trying to watch my favouri-" 

"ONION SMOOTHEH! NOW LAD! DON'T MAKE MEH CHOP UP MY ONIONS ON MY BOARD LIKE LAST TIME" 

David held on to those last words as he drifted away in a memory about 'the last time' Shrek did that. Then he felt his pants growing tighter with his arousal. He remembered that sensational feeling Shrek gave him... 

"Alright, alright Hunky Dory", David replied with a wicked smile.

David's ass was greeted with a slap as he entered the kitchen. 

He started on chopping the onions, then went to the fridge to get the red peppers and milk. He added all the ingredients in the blending machine and blended it just the way his Ogre likes it. 

He served the drink into Shrek's Fanny Pack and the Ogre was slurping away at once. 

"Thanks, Lasseh.", Shrek said in between noisy slurps. 

Shrek held out his free hand to hold David's as they both walked to the couch. His other hand holding his fanny pack containing the onion-beverage. 

David sat down quickly and unpaused the show. Shrek placed his fanny pack on David's lap before sitting down to unfasten his corduroys, explicitly showing his bare legs (he wore underwear). David didn't even glance at them and Shrek noticed this. 

It mildly pissed Shrek off so he mildly-SHREK-SUPER-SLAMMED HIS ASS ON THE COUCH. 

THE FANNY PACK WAS NOT EVEN SECURE ON DAVID'S LAP. 

ONION-SMOOTHIE FLEW IN ALL DIRECTIONS ACROSS THE LIVING ROOM. 

But one droplet of the foul-smelling liquid... 

That one tiny-pimp-ass-motherfucking droplet found it's way through a crevice within the pixels of the TV. 

So the TV short circuited. 

The black screen engulfed Sherlock and his world quicker than you can say "Red-Pants and Jam". 

A black-out quickly followed. 

"ARGHHH WHAT HAVE I DONE LAD?? I'm so sorry David... I..." 

"It's okay Shrek, it'll be alright. Everything will be alright Tonight" 

 

...Meanwhile...

"SHERRRLLOOOCCKKK!!!!", John pleaded with absolute heartbreak. His eyes felt like melting out his skull and his heart was racing like a Chupacabra's during mating season. John was very sad. 

Shrerlock leaned forward, only to quickly save himself by leaning back again. 

He touched a few things on his phone and dialed John. He said "Psych! you motherfucker, I ain't gonna leave you coz u my bitch. I found us a case, Jawn." 

Except, he didn't dial his bitch. He accidentally called Moriarty. 

"Sh-Sherlock... I..."

"What?! Oh hell no. Shit."

Sherlock just noticed the voice on the other end was Moriarty. 

"Umm. I can explain." 

Moriarty wept, "I thought you CARED, WE ARE THE ONLY ONES IN THE UNIVERSE WHO SHARE THIS CHEMISTRY, DIDN'T YOU SAY THAT? YOU TOLD ME THAT. I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR ONLY LOVE. OH SO JOHN HAS BEEN YOUR LITTLE BITCH? FOR HOW LONG SHERLOCK?!  
FOR HOW LONG??!!!!" 

Sherlock replied, "Ayy L.M.A.O", hung up the phone and jumped right down from the rooftop. 

"AYYYY LMAOOO LEGALISEE THE COCAINEEEE", Shrelock screeched as he flew over the town and pulled a lever from under his coat, which launched a pair of fluffy, purple wings. He slowly glided down from the sky and right into John's arms. 

"Are you an angel because ur face hurts I mean... uh", John hesitantly stuttered to Sherlock who replied by kissing him open-mouthed. 

It was great and sloppy. All homo and stuff.

But all this celebration for Sherlock's remarkable victory ended. 

Suddenly, a great crack stretched across the sky. The only sounds that could be heard was a great roar of laughter... from little children on the street, as they pointed up at the sky and called it "Minaj's Buttcrack". 

A strong smell of onion came exploding out of "Minaj's Buttcrack". With a trace of Red Peppers in the air. But then it was no laughing matter as the children started to choke on the air first. 

Then everyone was choking on Minaj's breaking wind. 

The crack was so damn big that not even Putin's big heart could plug it. And boy did Putin have a big heart! That guy, Putin was the most lovely old chap you'll ever meet. Anyways, Sherlock ripped his gay-ass scarf in half and gave one half to John. 

They covered their mouths with the scarf. Sherlock grabbed John's hand and they both looked at each other and nodded... as if they both already knew exactly what they had in mind. 

Sherlock pulled out his Anaconda and started swirling it around and it worked like a helicopter! He flew himself and John it into safety, out of Minaj's Stretched Rectum. 

Meanwhile, back at the swamp...

 

They held onto each other in the darkness, when suddenly, the power came back on, restarting the whole grid. 

David slowly opened his eyes when Shrek yelled, "WHAT ARE YOU DOIN IN MAH SWAAAMMMPPP"

 

"J-J-JOHN!... What is that thing?!", Sherlock asked, tugging at John's sleeve.

Shrek sassily replied, "What is wrong with you! Haven't ya ever seen a fine piece of ass like this? He's just an old androgynous man... 

 

"SHREK!", David stomped on the ground to make his presence and frustration clear. 

"Shrek?" Sherlock and John queered in unison.

"That's right lads, I'm Shrek, The Ogre Lord. And yer on mah swamp. So I'm gonna have to punish ye both."

"HO HO WOAH HELL NO BACK UP! I have much better punishing methods for these two. Shrek, darling, you remember all those filthy johnlock smuts I wrote?", David protested. 

"Er.. the ones when I walked in on ye at 3am?"

"Precisely!"

"Oh Onion!"

"Oh Onion Indeed!"

 

John and Sherlock's faces were bright red. They wouldn't mind to see what David had planned but did not want anything to do with the Ogre... 

 

TOo BEE CONTINU~~~


	2. Shrek & Sherlock are both Dom & order around the other's onion-balls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what am I doing with my life honestly someone tell me

A squawking pink-monkey bird flew about in David & Shrek's home and suddenly, rather elegantly landed on the top of Shrek and perched on top of him in a way that resembled a crown. 

This seemed to give him some power. 

"AGGGHHHHHH", Shrek roared for silence as Sherlock & John squirmed & squealed about on the floor. David was just tying the last few knots around their ankles & wrists. 

"You have such lovely little ankles", David purred and then gently kissed Sherlock's left ankle. 

John was very hesitant and very pale at this moment, and Shrek's gigantic hands over his crotch wasnt helping him feel more relaxed. Shrek was perfect and infinite in this moment. What with his body frame and green skin, John always obeyed him and slowly grew to find the pleasure in being at his mercy.

However, David was a terrible Dom, He was just too cheesy and petite to even look like a Dom. He had the tiniest little nipples you'll ever see on a man and then he had his perfectly plucked eyebrows on fleek and over all, just too dainty and a fragile cootie patootie to intimidate Sherlock.

But of course looks were'nt everything in this case, they just heavily contributed to the fact that he was so terrible at this.

First he ordered Sherlock to lick his boot, Sherlock stuck his tongue out... waiting for David to carry his foot over, only to realise that it was wearing a slipper... David forgot to wear his horrowshow boots. It was so embarrassing, then he told Sherlock to pretend it was a boot because it was too chilly out to go and get his boots from under the porch outside.


End file.
